Late last week I applied for a new job within my company. This job entails using new technology and is aligned with the future of the company. It would be a great move for me.
Early this week, I accepted the job offer with a nice increase in pay! Great, right? I should be skipping down the halls, right?
Instead, I've been depressed all week. Why? Because I'll never play bass as well as this guy: Rufus Philpot.
This is what it's like to live inside my head.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Nostalgia
I went to South Jersey last weekend for the first time in several years. The reason for the visit was my 26th year high school reunion (it's a long story).
The weekend encompassed a roller coaster of emotions for me. Of course, it started with the joy of seeing Atlantic City again and noting the improvements that have been made since my last visit. This was followed by the reunion itself. What a wonderful evening, seeing old friends and acquaintances from high school. Reminiscing about the "good old days". I had so much fun I really didn't want it to end. In fact, some of us stayed out until 3:00 am in an effort to continue the party.
The next day began the downhill portion of my roller coaster ride. I drove the family through my old neighborhood, pointing out to the girls the 5 miles I had to ride my bike in the snow uphill both ways to school, and the houses of my friends who, in one way or another, were no longer around. Then we went to Ocean City. I told my family of the endless nights we spent trolling the boardwalk, from one end to the other. The days we'd spend on the beach catching some rays. At this point I found myself mourning my youth. I saw all of the young people walking around as I used to, and realized that I'd never have that feeling back again.
Driving back to AC, we took the route I used to take when I worked at Resorts. It was then that I started reliving the loneliness that I felt during those days. The years of driving home from work to an empty apartment, dreading the weekends when I would hardly speak to another living being. This is a time that I did not mourn.
But of course, those times led to meeting my wife, buying a house, having kids, moving to Ohio...the things which cured my loneliness and gave me purpose.
That evening my family and I had dinner with some old friends from high school. It was at this point that I came back to the present...and enjoyed it. I was in a bar with family and friends in a town that raised me. This is what it means to be happy.
The weekend encompassed a roller coaster of emotions for me. Of course, it started with the joy of seeing Atlantic City again and noting the improvements that have been made since my last visit. This was followed by the reunion itself. What a wonderful evening, seeing old friends and acquaintances from high school. Reminiscing about the "good old days". I had so much fun I really didn't want it to end. In fact, some of us stayed out until 3:00 am in an effort to continue the party.
The next day began the downhill portion of my roller coaster ride. I drove the family through my old neighborhood, pointing out to the girls the 5 miles I had to ride my bike in the snow uphill both ways to school, and the houses of my friends who, in one way or another, were no longer around. Then we went to Ocean City. I told my family of the endless nights we spent trolling the boardwalk, from one end to the other. The days we'd spend on the beach catching some rays. At this point I found myself mourning my youth. I saw all of the young people walking around as I used to, and realized that I'd never have that feeling back again.
Driving back to AC, we took the route I used to take when I worked at Resorts. It was then that I started reliving the loneliness that I felt during those days. The years of driving home from work to an empty apartment, dreading the weekends when I would hardly speak to another living being. This is a time that I did not mourn.
But of course, those times led to meeting my wife, buying a house, having kids, moving to Ohio...the things which cured my loneliness and gave me purpose.
That evening my family and I had dinner with some old friends from high school. It was at this point that I came back to the present...and enjoyed it. I was in a bar with family and friends in a town that raised me. This is what it means to be happy.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Meet Penelope
So, my wife says to me on Father's Day she says, "Let's go to the Harley dealer."
I had been hinting around at wanting a new bike for a couple of months now. I sold my old bike about 4 years ago and missed it. One of the reasons I sold it was because it was too small and Tammy didn't ride with me very often because of this. I couldn't afford to upgrade at the time and just wasn't having as much fun with it as I should have been.
I knew what I wanted this time around. I wanted a touring bike. In particular, I wanted a Harley Davidson Road King. I looked at other brands, and no one offers anything like it. I looked at other Harley models, and would have been perfectly happy with an Electra Glide, but to me the Road King is the epitome. But I also knew what I wanted to spend, and finding any touring bike in my price range would be next to impossible.
So, we go to the dealer and there she sits:
She already had the upgrades that I would look to add, most significantly the tour pack (trunk) on the back. She was a color that I like. (I hate the blue/silver that so many RKs wear...looks too much like a Dallas Cowboy's uniform.) Even though she's 11 years old, she only had 14,000 miles. And best of all, she was in my price range!
So, why the name Penelope you ask.
When I was a young child, I had to have my tonsils removed. This was back in the day when they removed tonsils if you sneezed. I had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days and wasn't happy about it, so my parents got me a stuffed animal to keep me company. Why they chose a pink horse, I don't know, but that's what they gave me. I immediately named it Penelope after who I now recognize as my first crush, Penelope Pitstop. Penelope the iron horse is an homage to Penelope the pink horse, and of course to Ms. Pitstop.
I had been hinting around at wanting a new bike for a couple of months now. I sold my old bike about 4 years ago and missed it. One of the reasons I sold it was because it was too small and Tammy didn't ride with me very often because of this. I couldn't afford to upgrade at the time and just wasn't having as much fun with it as I should have been.
I knew what I wanted this time around. I wanted a touring bike. In particular, I wanted a Harley Davidson Road King. I looked at other brands, and no one offers anything like it. I looked at other Harley models, and would have been perfectly happy with an Electra Glide, but to me the Road King is the epitome. But I also knew what I wanted to spend, and finding any touring bike in my price range would be next to impossible.
So, we go to the dealer and there she sits:
She already had the upgrades that I would look to add, most significantly the tour pack (trunk) on the back. She was a color that I like. (I hate the blue/silver that so many RKs wear...looks too much like a Dallas Cowboy's uniform.) Even though she's 11 years old, she only had 14,000 miles. And best of all, she was in my price range!
So, why the name Penelope you ask.
When I was a young child, I had to have my tonsils removed. This was back in the day when they removed tonsils if you sneezed. I had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days and wasn't happy about it, so my parents got me a stuffed animal to keep me company. Why they chose a pink horse, I don't know, but that's what they gave me. I immediately named it Penelope after who I now recognize as my first crush, Penelope Pitstop. Penelope the iron horse is an homage to Penelope the pink horse, and of course to Ms. Pitstop.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
New Billy Two Shoes CD Released Today!!!
The long awaited Billy Two Shoes CD, titled "New Shoes", has officially been released (basically, the CDs arrived by mail). We haven't yet scheduled a CD release party, but the new CDs are currently for sale (along with the previous release) on the Billy Two Shoes MySpace page.
The track list is as follows:
01. Times Ain't So Tough
02. Differ
03. Best That You Leave It Alone
04. Nursery Gin
05. Doin' What You Can
06. Headin' Back Down Home
07. Ain't Goin' Out Today
08. A Poem About A Pig
09. Beggar's Den
10. Drives Me Cold
11. Think You Know
12. Poor Man
Please note that $7 from each CD sale goes straight to food banks in Gallia County, OH and Logan County, WV, two places that greatly inspired this CD.
Edit: Anyone local who knows me, please contact me to buy the CD for $10 to save on shipping.
Atheist, Buddhist, Secular Humanist
I've never considered myself a Christian. My mom was Christian, but rarely went to church, and my dad insisted I not be baptized as a baby, saying I should make my own decision on the matter when I'm old enough. As such, I didn't have a whole lot of exposure to religion.
I did go to church regularly when I was 8 or so, for about a year. I was living with my aunt and her husband, who was one of those who thought it was a good idea for everyone in the household to go to church every Sunday. Everyone except him, of course. I didn't mind though. I had already made up my mind about God's existence, even at that age, but I found the bible stories to be entertaining enough. We followed it up with Sunday School, which did nothing to change my beliefs (or lack thereof).
It's been a struggle, trying to determine my spiritual identity. I used to just put 'none' on forms, but that never suited me because I do have opinions on the subject. I tried 'agnostic' for a while, but that didn't fit either. Over the last several years, I've bounced back and forth between these three:
Atheism
This term immediately brings certain things to mind, few of them pleasant. For just this reason, I resisted this label for the longest time. But the internet opened things up a little, enough for me to see that Atheism is not the evilness it's portrayed to be. But there is still a certain militant view within that I just can't follow. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't bother me that our money has "In God We Trust" written on it. And while I will eagerly educate anyone who thinks "under God" has always been in the pledge (It was added in 1954 as a means of separating us from the "Godless communists." The pledge itself was written in 1892 without the "under God" phrase.), there are bigger problems in the world. But I do agree that Intelligent Design has no place in science class, unless the teacher wants to use it to demonstrate what a theory is not.
Buddhism
I practiced this on and off for a couple of years. I like it. I like it a lot. It brings me peace. But there are portions of it I just can't get behind, such as karma and reincarnation. I believe in karma only to the point of "what comes around, goes around" or, in bible terms, "as you sow, so shall you reap." But I don't believe there are supernatural forces governing this.
But what's interesting here is that I don't necessarily believe the Buddha himself was as concerned with these aspects as he was the path. That still appeals to me.
While researching and practicing this, I did a lot of reading. I belonged to several online Buddhist forums and discussion groups, and I found a lot of disagreement and infighting. Ghandi once said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." The same could be said of many Buddhists I met online.
Still, I did not let that sway me. The thing that ultimately led to my abandoning the teachings was the precept against killing. Sure, not killing people is pretty easy. But when every life form is viewed as equal, it gets more difficult. Take food for example. I could relatively easily do a vegetarian diet. I did it for almost a year, even through Thanksgiving. But when I began to think of other aspects, such as the dairy industry directly supporting the veal industry, then things get more difficult. Also, at the time, a motorcycle was my primary means of transportation. Ever try to find a non-leather motorcycle boot that offered decent protection? And now? An upright bass is held together with hide glue, made from animal hides.
Of course, you find ways of making things work for you. A cow will feed many more people than a chicken will, so eating steak is better than eating chicken. And tastes better too.
Of the various Buddhist sects, I identify with Theravada Buddhism mostly, though I don't agree with everything.
Secular Humanism
I first heard this term on NPR seven or eight years ago. I liked it. It's a means of conveying a lack of belief in the supernatural without sounding scary. It also places the focus on humanity rather than the God question. Perhaps this is why, when I took the Belief-O-Matic quiz on Beliefnet.com, Secular Humanism was at the top of this list at 100%. The human equation is more important to me than the spiritual equation.
So what's the answer? I still don't know. A keen eye will notice that I spent more time discussing Buddhism than any of the others. This could be due to it being the only one of the three offering anything to the spirit. Or it could be that I'm feeling my inner Buddha today (which I am apparently).
As for the quiz, here are my top 10 results:
I did go to church regularly when I was 8 or so, for about a year. I was living with my aunt and her husband, who was one of those who thought it was a good idea for everyone in the household to go to church every Sunday. Everyone except him, of course. I didn't mind though. I had already made up my mind about God's existence, even at that age, but I found the bible stories to be entertaining enough. We followed it up with Sunday School, which did nothing to change my beliefs (or lack thereof).
It's been a struggle, trying to determine my spiritual identity. I used to just put 'none' on forms, but that never suited me because I do have opinions on the subject. I tried 'agnostic' for a while, but that didn't fit either. Over the last several years, I've bounced back and forth between these three:
Atheism
This term immediately brings certain things to mind, few of them pleasant. For just this reason, I resisted this label for the longest time. But the internet opened things up a little, enough for me to see that Atheism is not the evilness it's portrayed to be. But there is still a certain militant view within that I just can't follow. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't bother me that our money has "In God We Trust" written on it. And while I will eagerly educate anyone who thinks "under God" has always been in the pledge (It was added in 1954 as a means of separating us from the "Godless communists." The pledge itself was written in 1892 without the "under God" phrase.), there are bigger problems in the world. But I do agree that Intelligent Design has no place in science class, unless the teacher wants to use it to demonstrate what a theory is not.
Buddhism
I practiced this on and off for a couple of years. I like it. I like it a lot. It brings me peace. But there are portions of it I just can't get behind, such as karma and reincarnation. I believe in karma only to the point of "what comes around, goes around" or, in bible terms, "as you sow, so shall you reap." But I don't believe there are supernatural forces governing this.
But what's interesting here is that I don't necessarily believe the Buddha himself was as concerned with these aspects as he was the path. That still appeals to me.
While researching and practicing this, I did a lot of reading. I belonged to several online Buddhist forums and discussion groups, and I found a lot of disagreement and infighting. Ghandi once said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." The same could be said of many Buddhists I met online.
Still, I did not let that sway me. The thing that ultimately led to my abandoning the teachings was the precept against killing. Sure, not killing people is pretty easy. But when every life form is viewed as equal, it gets more difficult. Take food for example. I could relatively easily do a vegetarian diet. I did it for almost a year, even through Thanksgiving. But when I began to think of other aspects, such as the dairy industry directly supporting the veal industry, then things get more difficult. Also, at the time, a motorcycle was my primary means of transportation. Ever try to find a non-leather motorcycle boot that offered decent protection? And now? An upright bass is held together with hide glue, made from animal hides.
Of course, you find ways of making things work for you. A cow will feed many more people than a chicken will, so eating steak is better than eating chicken. And tastes better too.
Of the various Buddhist sects, I identify with Theravada Buddhism mostly, though I don't agree with everything.
Secular Humanism
I first heard this term on NPR seven or eight years ago. I liked it. It's a means of conveying a lack of belief in the supernatural without sounding scary. It also places the focus on humanity rather than the God question. Perhaps this is why, when I took the Belief-O-Matic quiz on Beliefnet.com, Secular Humanism was at the top of this list at 100%. The human equation is more important to me than the spiritual equation.
So what's the answer? I still don't know. A keen eye will notice that I spent more time discussing Buddhism than any of the others. This could be due to it being the only one of the three offering anything to the spirit. Or it could be that I'm feeling my inner Buddha today (which I am apparently).
As for the quiz, here are my top 10 results:
| 1. | Secular Humanism (100%) |
| 2. | Unitarian Universalism (92%) |
| 3. | Liberal Quakers (81%) |
| 4. | Neo-Pagan (72%) |
| 5. | Theravada Buddhism (71%) |
| 6. | Nontheist (69%) |
| 7. | Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (65%) |
| 8. | Taoism (59%) |
| 9. | New Age (57%) |
| 10. | Reform Judaism (48%) |
Thursday, February 26, 2009
20 Years
Last month marked 20 years since my mom died. She died very suddenly at the age of 41 from a brain aneurysm. Since my parents had divorced when I was young and I was raised mostly by her alone, this devastated me. It took me a long time to recover from this. And as I did, I began to change.
As a young man, I was very much as I was when I was a teenager. I was stubborn, narcissistic and border-line misogynistic. If it didn't directly effect me, it didn't exist. No one's opinion mattered but my own. My relationships were clouded in jealousy and distrust. I often said things with little or no regard to other people's feelings. I was not a very good friend.
I had never really suffered anything remotely approaching tragedy. I suppose parents divorcing is fairly traumatic to a child, but I didn't recognize this then. I remember being told of a friend's parent dying, and I didn't understand what the big deal was. People die. We all will. Get over it.
And then my mom died. And finally I understood. I became aware of mortality; my own and that of others. I began to really look at the person that I was, and I didn't like him. I began to understand the hurt that I had caused people, the relationships that I ruined. I didn't want to be that person anymore.
It's been a long road from there to here. I'm saddened still to think of how I was then, but I try to make up for it now. I don't always succeed, but I try.
As a young man, I was very much as I was when I was a teenager. I was stubborn, narcissistic and border-line misogynistic. If it didn't directly effect me, it didn't exist. No one's opinion mattered but my own. My relationships were clouded in jealousy and distrust. I often said things with little or no regard to other people's feelings. I was not a very good friend.
I had never really suffered anything remotely approaching tragedy. I suppose parents divorcing is fairly traumatic to a child, but I didn't recognize this then. I remember being told of a friend's parent dying, and I didn't understand what the big deal was. People die. We all will. Get over it.
And then my mom died. And finally I understood. I became aware of mortality; my own and that of others. I began to really look at the person that I was, and I didn't like him. I began to understand the hurt that I had caused people, the relationships that I ruined. I didn't want to be that person anymore.
It's been a long road from there to here. I'm saddened still to think of how I was then, but I try to make up for it now. I don't always succeed, but I try.
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